My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
COCAINE IS GR8
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
