when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i barfeds in our rink
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Randomize
