And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He kissed a someone with a penis
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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