I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We're too hungover to prance.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
