I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
