So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
