it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
