now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
