His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
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