Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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