I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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