i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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