Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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