He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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