hotel room ftw
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
