youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
