I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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