I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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