mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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