Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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