Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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