I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
All I want is dick and wine.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
