I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
