I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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