Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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