We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
