I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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