drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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