Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
