i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
