i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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