I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Holy shit dude........stairs
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
