Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
