my sisters under your porch take her home
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
