What a fucking waste of an outfit
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
