If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
she peed on how many people?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
