I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
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