On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
