What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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