Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
