Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
