I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
