On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize