I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
