I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
