goodnight i made you a song goodbye
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
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