I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
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