Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
