he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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