Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
She's the barista slut.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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