I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
