you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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