I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
