Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
