I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
