roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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