On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
