Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
