just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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