Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
