Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize