Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
