Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
So vagazzling was a success
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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