i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
