it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Randomize
