I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
